i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
