I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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