took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
