Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
