Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You dont lie about slip and slides
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
