If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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