who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
