remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
