i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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