Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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