Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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