She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
