How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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