I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
