a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm so fucking centered right now
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
