oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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