Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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