Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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