And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
