You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
