Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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