it wasn't lemon gatorade
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
