I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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