I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
