i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
