my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
