remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
