I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Shame - the story of my life.
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