You're earring is so big in my mouth
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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