I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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