omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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