I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
