Can i not drive my cunt home
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
