I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
