I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
