Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
