I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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