And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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