Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
