i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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