I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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