I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
