508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
