You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
