omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
