I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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