I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
