is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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