dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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