well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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