i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
